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I guess it’s kinda fitting that my first post since my migration to WordPress begins with the epitome of cliched openings, a sentence so heinous that an entire competition has been organised attempting to capture its singular awfulness.

The guys at here are dedicated to finding the worst crimes in literature and rewarding them, although at this stage most entries are deliberately awful. Here’s my efforts, they’re pretty terrible. Some effectively so, others just…so.

“He looked at the sea, a rich brilliant blue, the sun reflecting off its surface like a thousand suns reflecting off a clear blue lake. He smiled and gazed contentedly as the great blue puffy clouds tumbled across the vivid blue canvas of the morning sky. Jim looked across at his companion, a radiant beauty who lay beside him as he stared into her bright blue eyes and cast his eye over her rich, flowing blue hair as she swept it away from her smooth blue face. Jim began to wonder if he was colour blind.”

“It was Autumn, the season of change; when the seasons, like so many other things, change. Detective Hank McGruff hoped his luck would change too, just like the seasons. The changing seasons. Off the back of his 47th passionate yet tragic romance he stared blankly at the obituaries. He had either investigated or been caught up in a whirlwind love affair with every single entry, just like every other week. The phone rang, McGruff put down his 23rd scotch of the day and answered gruffly. Another day and another serial killer he presumably had some kind of history with and whom presumably only he could catch, this time a copycat of last Thursday’s copycat. Some things never change. Seasons do though, and now was the season of change, Autumn.”

“The wall was grey, a pale grey, almost white but not quite. In some circumstances when the sun hit it in the right way it could have been mistaken for a white wall but it wasn’t, it was a grey wall. A very pale grey. Like the colour of a corpse, when they’ve gone past being blue and are instead a very pale grey. Or if you took some white and mixed in a hint of black. That kind of grey. But paler. To a colour blind person, or a dog, or any other colour blind animal it would have been the same colour as a very pale red, almost a pink but not quite. That was the colour of the wall. The grey wall. And he definitely had cancer.”

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