Sometimes you need that extra bit of encouragement to make everything seem less shitty and pointless. This week, these things distracted me from the fact that everything we do is futile and that eventually you, and everything you’ve ever loved, will be absolute nothingness alone in the coldness of the void. Sigh.
The Lone Ranger Trailer
The internet’s consensus on Johnny Depp’s ‘warpaint-face’ in The Lone Ranger seems to be: HOLY CRAP THAT’S RACIST. Which is fair enough I guess, considering we’re talking about an adaptation of a Western made for radio in 1933, it’s probably a bit, erm, antiquated. It’s also fair because Johnny Depp is generally just very, very racist here. Like, by any measurement, even if you compensate for the oldness of the material. This is like classic, timeless, colonial racism. It’s all broken speech and Yoda-lite proverbs about masks and stuff and MAGICAL FUCKING HORSES. Yes, this film has that too. It will be terrible, but lord knows it will absolutely dominate at the box office regardless. Nice work, Hollywood. Also, Armie ‘You stole Facebook from me and my rowing machine/brother’ Hammer is in it with his ridiculous name. Seriously, Armie Hammer? I mean, come on man, those kinds of names died out with all the other VHS-only heroes of the 80s. Like Bruce Stallion – really, that man exists.
That brings us swiftly round to the other big 80s call back….
Far Cry 3: BLOOD DRAGON
I’m not entirely sure that the last bit of that is actually capitalised but, when you’re throwing the word BLOOD DRAGON around, I have to capitalise that. I just have to. Everything else about this Far Cry 3 add-on, that has absolutely nothing to with the original game, is ridiculous too – the titular BLOOD DRAGON’s fire goddamn lasers; its plot essentially consists of: Robots, 80s, Lasers, NEEOOOOOOON; it has robo versions of tigers and, erm, cassowarys; and it has Michael ‘All The 80s’ Biehn starring in it. Also, all the advertising material is super meta and retro, which seems to be the entire selling point of this whole thing – look how retro we are, we love the 80s so much, give us your money for hookers and gold things.
Still, I admire their efforts to somehow condense every single thing about the 80s into a DLC; if only for the stupendously awesome voiceover in the trailer and the fact they claim the enemies have cheap, neon-covered toasters for helmets.
Over at io9.com they seem to have been going through a creepy Victorian phase last week. First, they posted about how Victorians loved to photoshop pictures of themselves so that they had no head, or were holding a head, or a group had no heads, or something else from your nightmares. That was pretty creepy, but also kinda cool and funny, especially since it’s boring, stuffy Victorians looking all boring and stuffy but then holding a head like it’s a hand bag or something. Some of them looked like they could be album covers for some indie band or something, that’s the kind of vibe they gave. Then they had to go and ruin it all by showcasing the other Victorian photo fad, because seriously, these guys make photobombing and planking look like shit. Their idea of neat photo fun is LITERALLY HAVING DEAD PEOPLE IN THEM. Like, children, babies, old people, decomposing people, makes no odds to Victorians, they stick ’em in a family photo from the Ninth Circle of Hell. These guys photobomb with goddamn corpses; that’s Hardcore. Also, nightmares.
Michael Bay Accuses People of Lacking Creativity, Ha
Michael Bay shocked the world this week by first demonstrating he is capable of articulating something without explosions, and then, with his newfound command of non-explosive material, accused other filmmakers of “ripping off” his Transformers franchise, which, I feel should be pointed out, is a reboot of an existing franchise. Yes, Michael Bay, director of Bad Boys 1 & 2, Armageddon( AKA Explosion Deep Impact), The Island(a supposed pastiche of 60s and 70s dystopian sci-fi) and Transformers 1 -4/whenever America stops feeding him money to see Robots punch each other, cringe-worthy racism and, of course, things blowing up. People think he may have specifically been referencing Guillermo Del Toro, also known as Mexican Peter Jackson, and his upcoming film Pacific Rim. The problem here is that Del Toro is obviously a visionary director who is essentially making the robot film that everyone wanted before they heard Transformers was helmed by Michael Bay. The idea of calling the guy who made Pan’s Labyrinth a rip-off of Michael Bay makes me sad right down in my soul.
Notch, Videogame Lego Man, is Voted Second Most Influential Person by Time
Notch, the guy who created Minecraft, is apparently second only to an Egyptian despot when it comes to world influence, according to readers of Time. Read that last sentence again, then consider what that says about the world. Notch, a guy who just made a game, is supposedly more influential than every world leader bar one shitty dictator of a nation in chaos. Notch, if this is to be believed, holds more influence over America, and the world, just kinda generally, than Barack ‘President’ Obama. Sure, selling 20 million copies of a game is impressive, but, I mean, come on! It’s not even like it’s some world-changing game with some pertinent political message. It’s literally just a game about moving your goddamn blocks on top of other goddamn blocks to create some kind of meaningless internet sculpture of goddamn blocks. Though, that being said, this is pretty damn cool.