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Post Match Interviews: Bayern Munich 4-0 Barcelona

Frankie Plummer / @frankieplummer

Here’s what footballers really want to say in post-match interviews, at the end of the day. 

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INTERVIEWER: “So Lionel Messi, how do you feel about the performance in the second half?”

LIONEL MESSI: “Well, although it is disappointing to lose a football game, I am nonetheless part of the state’s hegemonic domination of the working classes. So that’s more significant.”

I: “Please explain.”

LM: “Televised football is an integral part of the Ideological State Apparatus, it is designed to reinforce exiting relations between the classes and keep the working classes satisfied. What did you just watch? Men kicking a football around. But it is charged with importance, those who invest get richer, and those that pay to watch and pay to get in the stadium are ultimately funding the lives of the rich and successful. You’re being exploited and you don’t even know it.”

I: “Fascinating, thanks for talking to us Lionel.”

LM: “No problem.”

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INTERVIEWER: “Robben, you were on astounding form throughout the game, a well-deserved victory?”

ARJEN ROBBEN: “Thanks very much. I just do my job and we’re pleased to win as a team.”

I: “What are your plans for this evening?”

AR: “Why, you’re not asking me out are you?”

I: *laughs*

AR: “No, but seriously. Nothing much, I’m just going to go home and watch a film.”

I: “What film’s that?”

AR: As Good As it Gets, I’ve seen it before. While it is an award winning film, I am still uncomfortable with the prevalence of these neo-homosocial triangles in late nineties American cinema. They’re a signal for a crisis in traditional male roles in the 1990s, yes, but the queer and minority masculinities in these films are only shown to be substitutes in relation to the “normal” traditional male masculinity within the narrative. I find that just plain wrong. Mainstream cinema needs to be more progressive, or current, in a sense. But I suppose it’s still a good film.”

I: “Excellent stuff Arjen. Still up for that date?”

AR: *laughs* “Thanks man.”

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INTERVIEWER: “Gerard Pique, controversial moment in the first half, where there were protests for a handball on your part.”

GERARD PIQUE: “Some may argue that I touched the ball with my arm, but I know I didn’t, and even if I did it would have been accidental. There are more important issues at hand.”

I: “Like what?”

GP: “Well, the rise in dismodernism studies as the only viable and defensible form of identity politics in the 21st Century for one.”

I: “That seems refreshing.”

GP: “It’s exactly that. The idea of identity politics has reached a dead end. Is race, sexuality, gender essentialised on a philosophical level, or are they socially constructed categories, maintained to give the people in these “categories” certain benefits by the oppression caused in the first place by these categories? As Walter Benn Michaels said, if there is no biological basis for the existence of unicorns, does it make sense to talk about the social construction of the unicorn? We must accept we are all disabled by oppression of various kinds. In a consumer society, we rely on cosmetics, hygiene products and technology to truly exist in the society. We are all reliant on things outside of us and we will all succumb to one form of disability or another during our lifetime. It’s time to acknowledge dismodernism as an important and blooming field of study.”

I: “Brilliant.”

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