Frankie Plummer / @frankieplummer
When applying for accommodation I decided to only go for catered, en-suite options. This is because I can’t cook to a sufficient level to maintain normal body functions without being reliant on a combination of vitamins and a pacemaker. I would have solely eaten toast/cereal/sandwiches fried food and bought pre-made crap. I think I probably would have died or had long-term organ complications resulting from Doritos abuse.
The main reason for choosing the combination of both en-suite and catered was because I didn’t care about getting more debt considering I already have over £27,000. It seems silly to cut back on your general living when in the end you are fucked anyway.
My room is quite big, I think, for a university room. The walls are beige and it has a double bed, which is good. It has a very small balcony, where you can stand and smoke cigarettes and shout misogynistic remarks at passing women and pretend you are in France. However, I am on the ground floor and I don’t smoke, which made it a bit pointless.
The desk is large and goes round two walls if that makes sense. This layout is good as I can hide work out of my peripheral vision and I forget all about it and instead concentrate on my social media addiction. It has three shelves above it and a light so you can work at night in brightness akin to an artificial sun. Under the desk is a mini-fridge to store alcohol and micro-corpses (hamsters, mice etc.). This is good as no man can be expected kill small mammals in a drunken rage unless his beer is chilled. (I am joking by the way, warm beer will do).
The wardrobe is small and the drawers are large. That’s fine, I only wear luminescent leotards, and you can just fold them anyway. I don’t iron because I’m not mental and because the communal ironing board was substituted for a drinking table in the kitchen. When I try and use it, it becomes aggressive and makes sexist remarks and tells me it loves me.
The bathroom is incredibly bleak. It’s exactly like if you designed a room purely for functional purposes. The shower doesn’t work sometimes, usually after the cleaners have decided to break it for some reason. This means you have to call reception and the porter moans at you for registering a complaint because something has broken.
I have nothing else to say. If you’re thinking of going into en-suite or catered accommodation and looked at this for advice, I can’t really help because these are my made up opinions of one accommodation choice at one university for the purpose of barely semi-entertainment. Sorry.